Different This Time
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: Kita hates change of most variety, which of course is going to make him miserable. [nitobexkita]


Kita liked to control things; more specifically, he liked to control people. He liked to keep people around him who would easily bend to his will and agree with everything he said -- which was why it was odd that Nitobe was his closest friend, given that Nitobe frequently argued with him on a regular basis.

Kita had agreed to be Nitobe's doubles partner without any fuss, because he had believed that Nitobe was one of those easily bendable people at the beginning, because Nitobe tended to be quiet -- Nitobe had let him think that for quite some time before starting to show that he actually had a backbone, and by then it was too late to replace him. Kita had been effectively tricked into being the guy's friend, and if he could have, he would have resented Nitobe for it -- the problem with that was that he liked Nitobe, and couldn't help liking him. He wasn't easily bendable, but he was the type who could get under someone's skin and stay there, whether they liked it or not.

It was a satisfying day all around for Kita; everything had gone right for him (well, it usually did) and he was finishing up by becoming a member of the tennis team. He knew that he was good, so it wasn't surprising; just satisfying. Kita liked to be satisfied. He couldn't understand people that preferred being miserable; didn't they know what they were missing?

"I want you to try doubles," Minami said. Kita didn't see any particular problem with that, as long as he didn't get stuck with a doubles partner that he couldn't stand; then he would complain until he was put into singles, or given a new partner. He had enough confidence in his abilities to believe that the buchou would actually allow him to do so.

"Who will my partner be?" Kita asked, thinking about the prospects. He highly doubted that it would be Akutsu; in fact, the thought was utterly ridiculous (as well as hilarious. The idea was actually worth trying once -- then again, he didn't really want to be the one who tried it, because he didn't have any sort of death wish.) He thought about the other notable members of the team; Sengoku, Muromachi, Higashikata, Minami…

"I think you should try playing with Nitobe."

And of course there were the other members as well, the ones that didn't have quite the same noticeable skills. Kita looked his prospective partner over; saw a quiet, reserved kind of guy, and decided that it might not be so bad to have this type as a partner.

"Sure," he said. Maybe his doubles partner was no famous player, but that was just fine; it meant that Kita could show off and become famous himself -- there would be no shadowing of his talents from that one! (That wasn't exactly the best strategy for doubles, but Kita hardly cared at that point.)

"Nice to meet you," said Nitobe -- in a plain and quiet sort of voice; there was nothing special about this boy whatsoever. Kita thought that was a good thing, and decided that he was going to get along very well with this one -- mostly because he would be able to control him.

"It's nice to meet you, too," Kita said, and it was all he could do to prevent himself from cackling and rubbing his hands together with glee.

Nitobe did what Kita told him too -- if he himself thought it made sense. It didn't make any difference to Kita that Nitobe had good judgment in most cases, and it didn't even matter that Nitobe was a year older and supposedly superior; it was Kita's pet peeve when people stood up to him. He had a rather high opinion of himself, even though he made fun of other people who were much the same way; he was of the opinion that he was one of the only people who could get away with that much of an ego.

In any case, Nitobe was frustrating. So much so that after a couple of weeks, Kita couldn't take it anymore. He decided to confront Nitobe, and if he couldn't make the guy realize he was much better -- then he would ask for a different doubles partner, and that was that.

The only thing was that they were actually a good pair -- their game was good, and they worked well together. That was only on the courts, though, and Kita wasn't about to spend any amount of time with someone he didn't like. Even if that reason was a petty one in someone else's eyes. Nobody else mattered, anyway.

"Nitobe." Forget the honorific; Nitobe was no more his superior than anyone else in the world. He was about to dress him down, so why on earth would he call him "sempai"? It made little sense.

Nitobe was staring at the ground; more specifically at his feet. There seemed to be something fascinating about his shoes, or maybe he was trying to nap before practice. He was such a boring kind of guy --

"What?" he asked.

Kita had been prepared to lecture him and tell him to start cooperating, but all of the things he'd prepared sounded stupid when he rolled them around in his head, now. It all sounded so conceited -- and, while he was very conceited, he didn't necessarily want to come across as a big, spoiled brat; for some reason, what Nitobe thought of him actually mattered --

Kita wanted to say something like "Start following my orders" but he had a feeling that Nitobe would laugh at him for that. He fumbled and tried to grasp the proper words, and all the while, Nitobe blinked at him -- probably wondering what the hell he wanted to say, and why the hell it was taking so long for him to say it.

"I can't be your doubles partner anymore." Kita finally managed to manipulate his vocal chords into something that was almost appropriate for the situation. Well, if Nitobe was going to have this affect on him, then perhaps it really was a bad idea for them to be doubles partners.

"Why not?" Nitobe asked. Kita cursed him for asking that question. He couldn't think of any reason now that would sound legitimate to Nitobe; any reason that would sound less stupid than "You're not enough of a wimp and I can't order you around like a slave."

"We don't match well," was all that Kita could come up with. At least it was legitimate.

"We've been playing really well." Nitobe sounded confused, and he looked a little angry. "If this is because you don't like me, then why don't you just say that?"

"I --" This was Kita's opportunity to tell the guy to get lost; tell him that no, he didn't like Nitobe, and he didn't want to have anything to do with him. He wouldn't even have to give the reason for his dislike -- Nitobe wasn't the type to ask, really.

"That's not it," Kita found himself saying. "I just don't like doubles that much." Which was a lie; he actually had fun playing doubles with Nitobe, more fun than he'd thought it would be at the beginning --

"There aren't any singles slots available for you right now, so why don't you just stick with it?" Nitobe suggested. "It will only be for this year anyway. You'll be in singles next year, most likely."

That was true enough. Everyone who was a third year this year would be moving on, and there would be new possibilities -- Kita didn't like thinking about that kind of thing, though. Next year was far away.

"Fine, I'll stay in doubles," Kita said. He would just have to put up with Nitobe who wouldn't bend to his will, that was all. It wasn't as if there were many people out there who did what he told them to, anyway; that was probably why he had a hard time keeping friends.

Briefly, he wondered -- would Nitobe be a friend?

"Do you want to come to my house on the weekend?" Nitobe asked, suddenly. Kita turned and looked behind him.

"What?"

"Do you want to come to my house on the weekend?" Nitobe repeated.

"What does that have to do with tennis?"

"Nothing."

"Then why are you asking in the middle of a game?" The ball bounced past Kita as he asked the question, only proving his point further. His eyebrow twitched in frustration; Nitobe could be so…eccentric, sometimes.

"It's only a practice match, and I forgot until now," Nitobe explained. "My mother told me to bring a friend home. She thinks I'm a big loser, or something."

"You are." Kita turned his attention back to the game, and ignored Nitobe's protest of "Hey!" He refused to answer Nitobe's question until the game was over, at which point the answer was yes -- because he was actually a little excited at the prospect of going over to a friend's house. He'd never done that before. What exactly did one do at a friend's house, anyway?

"Do you like video games?" Nitobe asked.

Kita felt a soft spot inside him developing for his doubles partner. He did indeed love video games; and his mother wouldn't let him buy any, because she thought it rotted the brain. He went to the arcade on a regular basis, but he hated wasting all his money like that --

"I'll take that stupid grin as a yes."

Nitobe was one to talk about stupid grins -- he was in possession of an especially stupid one, himself. It suited him, though -- stupid grins could be charming after all.

After only a couple of weeks, the two became a real team; they were practically inseparable. Kita's wish had apparently come true, and Nitobe was the first real friend he'd ever had -- they actually went places together, and had fun joking around, and all of the things that Kita had been missing out on because of his ego -- well, not exactly his ego; he just hadn't found anyone worth spending the time with, really.

Nitobe, though he seemed plain and boring at first, was actually a lot of fun to be with. Kita always looked forward to seeing him; he even started to like going to school, just so he could see Nitobe in the hallway and make a face at him, or laugh at him -- or even get laughed at.

Kita often slept at Nitobe's house, because they would spend hours together, doing whatever; usually the ended up playing video games. Kita always won, of course.

They would share Nitobe's bed; not that they ever got much sleep, since it was much more fun to stay awake for most of the night (Kita liked winning at video games) and then sleep for a couple of hours, and be extremely grouchy in the morning. Nitobe usually made him something good for breakfast.

At some point, the sleepovers started to feel a little strange, though. It took Kita a long time to fall asleep; and while he listened to Nitobe's breathing, he kept wondering what would happen if he woke Nitobe up in the middle of the night half-asleep, and whispered something to him -- how would Nitobe react?

That was just too strange, though. He didn't want to bring it up, because then Nitobe might not let him stay over anymore -- and then what would he do for fun? Nitobe was the only friend he'd ever had who he could actually do things with. Nitobe was the only friend he'd ever had who put up with him after school hours, and actually seemed to enjoy his company.

Kita hadn't even realized how lonely he was until Nitobe had managed to get stuck under his skin. He would never admit to it of course; his pride demanded that he act as if nothing ever bothered him, but -- he wasn't really sure what he would do without Nitobe.

Of course, these were all very strange thoughts to be going through his head while he sat next to Nitobe on the couch, watching some kind of movie. Kita didn't even know if the movie was good or bad; he'd missed most of it while brooding.

"If you didn't want to watch this, you should have said so," Nitobe scolded.

"What? How could you tell I wasn't watching?"

"You had a glazed look in your eyes. You were miles away. What were you daydreaming about? Was it something good?"

"Actually, it was something pretty bad," Kita replied, before he thought about it. Nitobe would probably start badgering him now, to try and figure out where his thoughts had been heading --

"Why would you daydream about something bad? You have some weird kind of fetish?"

"I'm not even going to get into that," Kita said. "Just changed the movie. Let's watch something better."

"Yes, Princess."

"And don't ever call me that again."

Kita hated change. He hated when his comfortable world was torn to pieces, and replaced with something he didn't recognize; hated when his routines were ruined and there was nothing he could do about it. Kita liked to be in control of his life, and liked to know exactly how everything worked -- however, it was not always that way, and -- he hated it.

He hated change so much that he tried to hide from it, and that made him miserable every time.

Kita was grateful for Nitobe's friendship (though he wouldn't have said that out loud) but sometimes it was very uncomfortable. There were times when Kita though that Nitobe felt the same way; little touches here and there that made him wonder if he wasn't crazy after all, and if these kinds of feelings were fine for him to have. Sometimes Nitobe would play with his hair; brush an imaginary one off his forehead, which was a very intimate gesture, when he thought about it -- but Kita didn't want to make any assumptions; didn't want to say something, and find out he'd been reading too much into nothing.

Besides, if he acted on that, their friendship would change drastically, and Kita didn't want that to happen. He liked the way things were, and even though he found himself daydreaming about what would happen if they were to be more than friends -- even though he found himself so often watching Nitobe and wondering what it would feel like if they -- but that wasn't really what he wanted, damn it. He wanted things to stay the way they were forever. Kita liked his life the way it was, he didn't want it to be any more complicated --

It wasn't even about fear of rejection, really; somewhere inside he knew that he wouldn't be rejected if he spoke up. It was fear of change, and fear of something different; he didn't want everything he knew to be ruined.

Even if that meant denying what he really felt -- even if that meant cringing and backing away every time Nitobe came closer to him than he felt comfortable with…

Though that only caused Nitobe to start withdrawing from him, and their friendship suffered a little; still, it seemed better than the alternative.

Kita woke up one night from a rather pleasant dream, and he felt arms around him. He knew they were Nitobe's, after all, they -- but this was reality now, he realized, and that had all been just a dream -- and why had it been so pleasant?

More importantly, why the hell were Nitobe's arms around him? He wanted to wake the guy up and tell him to let go, but -- it was such a pleasant feeling, and he didn't really want to embarrass either of them. He'd done it in his sleep after all, it wasn't his fault -- Kita would just have to go back to sleep this way, and deal with it in the morning, if the situation was still the same.

Besides, if he stayed this way, he might be able to return to that dream.

Kita realized that he really had to stop sleeping over at Nitobe's; it was starting to get a little too weird.

Nitobe had a dark cloud hanging over his head, and Kita had no clue as to why it might be there. Nitobe had also been avoiding him all day, which was frustrating.

Nitobe was usually a very easy-going sort, and didn't have much of a temper to speak of; even though they argued frequently, it was friendly arguing, and Nitobe couldn't stay mad about anything for long.

Kita wanted to ask what was bugging him, but he was afraid of having his hand bitten off; which was odd, because Nitobe didn't usually give him that kind of feeling --

There was such tension in the air that he could hardly stand it, though, and he hated to think that he was the one who had made Nitobe so angry. He tried to avoid that (at least, serious anger -- he frustrated Nitobe at all opportunities of course.)

"Why are you so angry?" Kita finally demanded. He couldn't bear it any longer. If there was something he'd done, he had to make up for it somehow, even if he complained the whole time.

"I don't think you'd understand." That was the worst thing that Nitobe could possibly have said; it irked Kita in a way that nothing else could have. It was unfair to assume that he wouldn't understand without even explaining first; unfair, because even though he was a conceited and cocky brat most of the time, he still cared, damn it.

"Try me," Kita said. He really wanted to tell Nitobe to stick it, but that would have gotten them nowhere; he'd realized somewhere along the line that saying stupid things like that to Nitobe did more harm than good. There were times when Nitobe made him very angry, but Nitobe was rarely angry with him -- and he actually seemed hurt, sometimes, when Kita was genuinely angry with him.

"It's really not something you want to hear," Nitobe said.

"Oh really? When my doubles partner is acting like a big grouchy bastard I'm not supposed to care? What the hell do you think I am anyway, a block of ice?"

"You act like it, sometimes."

That stung.

Nitobe didn't usually insult him -- at least, he didn't usually mean it. Kita knew that this time he did, and it stung, and he didn't want to deal with this anymore --

"I'm sorry," Nitobe said. "I didn't mean to say that, really. I know you're not a block of ice, and I know you care, but -- I don't want to talk about it, is all."

"Say that next time instead," Kita said. This was hurting a lot more than it should have, and part of him was relieved that Nitobe didn't want to confide in him; that made things less complicated. What if Nitobe's problem was something like -- no, he wouldn't even think about it.

"I'm not mad at you," Nitobe said. "Is that what you thought?"

"Of course not. How could you possibly be mad at me?" Kita wanted to put the whole argument behind him, so acting like his usual cocky self was the best thing. It put a smile on Nitobe's face, anyway, even if that smile was somewhat strained; even if Kita still didn't know what was wrong.

Kita avoided change whenever possible, and often went to great lengths to prevent it -- which was why it irked him so much that junior high and high school were separated by a year, and he was going to have to spend that year thinking about Nitobe, and about how Nitobe wasn't his partner anymore. He would have to wait an entire year for things to go back to the way they were, and that pissed him off so much that he could hardly stand to think about it -- and yet he couldn't avoid thinking about it, because school was going to start soon, and when he went in, there would be no Nitobe to joke with.

Kita watched Nitobe graduate, and tried to keep his bitter feelings to himself. He didn't realize his mistake in his choice of parting words until much later.

"At least I can play singles now," he said. He was grinning at the time. Nitobe grinned back, which was why he didn't realize the mistake; Nitobe just grinned back, made some kind of joke, and then disappeared from Kita's life for an entire year.

Kita didn't want to lose contact with Nitobe, but he felt strange about calling him; Nitobe had always done the calling. There was always email, but Kita didn't really like using that, either -- it was hard trying to stay in touch when he was too nervous to initiate anything. He didn't want to seem like some love-sick girl, bombarding Nitobe with emails and phoning him, and showing up at his house randomly -- no, he would wait until he was invited.

Only, Nitobe never called, or emailed, or came over to invite him. Kita fretted over it, until he felt like some love-sick girl, wondering why her boyfriend refused to call. He was worried that Nitobe had somehow figured out his real feelings, and that he was avoiding him for it -- worried that Nitobe didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore because he had so many new and better friends in high school.

He regretted not telling Nitobe how he felt to his face -- even if Nitobe had guessed, and that was the real reason he was being avoided, at least there would have been a chance -- at least Kita would have known.

He thought that maybe he should try and get in contact with Nitobe to find out some answers; answers that Nitobe probably would have given, no matter how uncomfortable, because Nitobe was just that kind of guy.

He kept thinking that he should try and get in touch, but he never did; he didn't want to sound like some love-sick girl, waiting for her boyfriend to call.

The year passed slowly and painfully; Kita stewed over his regrets and worries, but took no action to try and change them. He could hardly wait to get to high school, where he would see Nitobe every day -- and hopefully things would go back to the way they'd been. He wanted everything to be the same again.

Kita did not have any trouble finding Nitobe on the first day of high school. Nitobe always stuck out in the crowd, at least as far as Kita was concerned. It was probably due to the amount of time he'd spent actually looking at Nitobe (while trying to deny that he was staring, or anything of the kind).

The moment he saw Nitobe, he realized that he didn't have the courage to approach him. It had been a year -- what if Nitobe really didn't want anything to do with him? He'd never called, after all. It was entirely possible that he might have changed, and he might even embarrass Kita in front of a crowd of people -- Kita didn't want that to happen.

Kita knew that Nitobe wasn't that kind of person, and it wasn't likely that he'd changed that drastically in only a year -- then again, it had been an entire year, and they hadn't spoken a word to each other.

Kita debated with himself for too long, and Nitobe walked away without even seeing him. Kita cursed -- maybe if Nitobe had seen him and approached him first, they would have gotten somewhere.

Kita wanted to run after him and tell him to bend to his will -- it was an old joke by now, and Nitobe might laugh, and tell him to stop being such a princess, and then things would be the same as always --

But things had changed, despite Kita's best efforts, and they would never be exactly the same again.

Kita couldn't gain the courage to approach Nitobe, no matter what he did. There was always a negative voice in his head, telling him that it would be better to leave things as they were now, and save himself the embarrassment.

It didn't help that he saw Nitobe with a girl sometimes; always the same girl, probably his girlfriend. And just what had the damn girl seen in him, anyway? Plain and boring, not particularly good-looking, just an average kind of guy --

Damn it, what had Kita seen in him, anyway?

That was easy enough to answer, really -- too easy. There were so many things that Kita liked about Nitobe -- why were there so many things? It would be so much easier to get over it if that wasn't the case -- it would be so much easier to deny everything and finally move on.

Kita went to that school for a month before he realized that he was completely miserable, and that it was all his fault that he had become that way.

At some point, Kita had become one of those people he'd never been able to understand -- someone who actually preferred being miserable. He realized that it wasn't because he liked misery, it was because he was too afraid of things he didn't understand; too afraid that things might change and be different -- change into something he didn't recognize, and couldn't control.

Kita liked to control things, it was true; couldn't stand it when things didn't go his way, and he hated it when they changed and he couldn't recognize them anymore. He wanted to live in his own safe little bubble -- but life just wasn't like that, and he wished he'd been able to realize that sooner.

He wondered if it was too late now, or if he could give up and change things for the better.

Kita woke up one morning, and decided that it was time to face his biggest fears. He was tired of being alone. He might still be alone after today; that would probably be the case, since he'd waited so long, but he had to try -- he had to at least try and get his best friend back. Even if things were different between them, in whatever way -- Kita couldn't go on as he had been, because the regrets and doubts were driving him crazy.

Besides, he was of the opinion that Nitobe was at his best while he was around. Nitobe damn well needed him -- and of course, it was the other way around, and Kita was the one doing all the needing; but sometimes it was easier to be a bit conceited, because it gave him more resolve.

He knew where Nitobe's classes were. He'd been watching Nitobe, because he couldn't help it; he didn't want to see, but he had to look. He wanted Nitobe to notice him, and he wanted them to be friends again -- which was why he had to take some initiative, and go after him.

Kita found Nitobe in the hallway, and tapped on his shoulder. He had time to suck in a deep breath before Nitobe turned to look at him --

"Yes?" Nitobe asked. He was blinking as though he was bewildered, as though -- as though he had no idea of who Kita was at all. That hurt more than anything else could have. It hurt more than if Nitobe had knocked him on his ass and called him any number of names, and told him to never speak to him again --

"I'll never play doubles with you again." It wasn't the best of insults, but at the moment, Kita couldn't think of anything else to say. He really meant that he didn't want to see Nitobe's face ever again; didn't want to hear his voice ever again. He turned his back and stalked off, holding his head high, to disguise the fact that he was so upset -- and he was surprised to hear that stupid voice calling his name.

"Wait!"

Kita didn't want to wait. He didn't want to hear what Nitobe had to say; he was too upset, too caught up in all the worrying and regretting, and everything that he'd done in the past year; and even before that, when he'd messed things up by not being true to himself. He wanted to go away somewhere and wallow in self-pity for the rest of his life.

"Do you hate me?" Nitobe asked.

"I didn't, but I do now." Kita didn't whirl around to glare at him, because he was afraid of betraying his real feelings; he obviously couldn't confess now, not after finding out that Nitobe didn't give a damn about him.

"You didn't hate me before?"

"Well, why the hell would I have? You were my best friend. Even if you never called and acted as if I wasn't alive. I get it now, though, you just didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. It wasn't even for a good reason, was it?"

Kita didn't have time to react when he felt Nitobe's hand on his shoulder; he suddenly found himself facing a very upset-looking Nitobe.

"I was waiting for you. I thought you hated me, so I didn't want to bother you. You never got in touch with me, so I thought you were glad to be rid of me."

Kita suddenly felt very stupid. Of course he wasn't the only one in the world with doubts; of course Nitobe would have been left wondering -- still, Nitobe had always been the stronger of the two of them, and Kita knew it -- even if Nitobe didn't.

Kita had sensed so many times that Nitobe felt more for him than friendship -- he just hadn't wanted to believe it, all those times -- and he'd also been trying to deny it, to pretend it didn't exist, and he'd been afraid that he was hallucinating, and -- Kita really thought too much about everything, it seemed.

There was one thing that might be able to clear this mess up, though; the truth. There was something that Kita had been wanting to ask for a long time, and now seemed as good a time as any -- since he had Nitobe there in front of him, and if things went badly, he might never see him again.

"You remember that day we had our only real fight? That day you called me an icicle?" Kita could remember it vividly himself; it burned in his memory like lemon juice in a paper cut. "What were you really angry about?"

"I was just frustrated, especially that day. You started avoiding me." Nitobe sighed. "I thought it was because I was getting too…I don't know. I was letting my feelings show too much, and I was scaring you off. I was afraid that you thought I was perverted, or something."

"So I was right." Kita a distinct urge to kick himself in the ass a few times, and if that had been humanly possible, he would have.

"Is that why you started avoiding me?"

"It was -- sort of --" Kita made a frustrated noise, and tugged at his hair. "I was a big idiot, and I'm sorry, and can we be friends again now, please?"

"You really don't hate me? You just said that you did."

"That's because you didn't even recognize me! Or at least, you pretended that you didn't," Kita growled. "What was that about, anyway? Are you so bitter that you just had to get back at me somehow?"

"No, I really didn't recognize you," Nitobe said. "I only took a quick look at you, and your hair is different, and in that uniform I couldn't tell it was you."

Kita wanted to scream, but he laughed instead. Actually, the whole situation was very funny, now -- he should have done this earlier. He knew that already though. Could have, would have, should have. Well, he hoped he was past that now, and he was going to start being a little more honest, even if it led to different and uncomfortable things --

"I was avoiding you because I didn't want things to change," Kita said. "I felt the same way, you know."

"Do you still?" Nitobe looked so hopeful that Kita felt some hope himself --

"Maybe. You'll have to work for it, though. You've put me through a lot of grief, you know."

"Not nearly as much grief as you put me through." Nitobe sounded so pained that Kita was inclined to believe him. "Every time you slept at my house -- well. I was actually relieved when you stopped, even though I thought it meant you hated me."

"I think we've both been idiots." Kita felt better than he had in a long time, and even though there were scary things in the future, they would be good scary things --

Nitobe reached up to brush a strand of hair away from Kita's eyes; a little touch that wouldn't look strange to anyone passing by, but Kita knew what it meant. He almost wished they weren't at school, so that they could continue --

"Do you want to come over to my house after school?" Nitobe asked.

"What?"

"Do you want to come over to my house after school?" Nitobe repeated, and Kita was struck with déjà vu, as well as a shiver of -- something.

"Video games?" Kita asked.

"Just like before," Nitobe said, with a grin, "Only maybe a little different, this time."


End file.
